Woe Is Me

Fair warning: I'm sitting on my Pity Potty today and it will take a miracle to get me off. But I believe in miracles and witnessed quite a few in my lifetime. Most concerned my business and it is in dire need of another one.

The machine that was down for two months, then up again at the expense of $22,000, is down again. It over-heated last week and shut down. We let it cool off - for days now - and it still refuses to run. Then, we blew a hose on another machine. Our punching abilities are now at a standstill.

This latest problem has happened at a time when I hadn't even begun the recovery from the previous disaster. Our loss in down time is in the thousands of dollars and we weren't in the position to handle such a blow. None of my options are good.

First of all, I don't believe in bankruptcy. My financial problems should remain mine, and not placed on those who put their trust in me and my company to fulfill an obligation. So this option is no option at all.

I could cash in all investments and sell my house and be able to walk away from Hi-Tech debt free. This isn't a good option either. Where would I live? Where would I work? How would I build up for retirement? I would own nothing and still have a big hospital bill.

The final option is to hang on a little longer and see what happens. Will the time come when utilities are turned off and the doors are locked? Will my employees stand there with their hands out and I have no paycheck to give them? Will the bank take my personal CD, equipment, and receivables and call it even? Will it take off and become profitable again, perhaps even able to pay me back all the money it has taken from me? Will God step in and perform another miracle as He's done the past 14 years that I have been saddled with this company?

I never wanted to be the sole owner of a sheet metal company. But I'm here, coddling it along, hoping to preserve something my husband started and loved being a part of. And to be honest, I love it, too. Many of you know that I refer to it as my baby, my handicapped baby that will always need me. As Chezzy was dying, he told me to make the company take care of me, not me taking care of the company. I've failed in that area. I'm the mother, the nurturer, the one feeding it all my personal money, only to have it come back for more. I'm the caretaker and I'm drained, mentally and physically.

I'm making a great effort to listen to God. Looking back, I see all the ways He has helped me along, proving to me that He hasn't given up on Hi-Tech. Our move to Irving and being able to operate rent-free is definitely a miracle. It enabled us to start catching up. I want to be anxious to see how God will handle this latest setback, but I tend to be more overwhelmed than anxious.

Please keep us in your prayers. I want my mind to be clear enough, free from worry and despair, to heed the direction God is pointing toward. I'm so tired of the fight, yet know that trials come along to cleanse us. I want to live again, not hide in my home. That's where I long to be, safe within those walls that I know so well. I've lost interest in so much that should be important to me.

I'm still on my Pity Potty but venting has been therapeutic. For those of you who are still reading this post, I thank you for your support and prayers.